How I use clothing as therapy for my anxiety
I have had very clear and strong opinions about clothes my entire life. Now, clothes are (mostly) a source of joy and comfort, but it wasn’t that way when I was little. I have recently (the last six months or so) realized that I probably have anxiety, and that I have probably had it my whole life.
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As a toddler and young child, I would get frustrated when
1, something felt off or wrong
2, I couldn’t fix it myself, and
3, I couldn’t communicate what was wrong or how to fix it either because I couldn’t specifically identify it or because I didn’t have the words.
When I say frustrated, I mean anywhere from irritated or grumpy to full on crying tantrum. It was difficult on everyone because there was so clearly something wrong, but it wasn’t obvious just what it was, and I could almost never tell anyone what it was.
One of my first teachers figured out some of the triggers, and knowing a few helped us figure out more. Some of my triggers were my shoes needing to be retied or my socks pulled up. Fixing the way my headband was sitting. Small things, but when you’re also small, developing your fine motor skills, and learning your first language, it’s difficult! And apparently these things bothered me a lot more than they do other people.
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What’s funny is that I am still completely triggered in this way. I didn’t grow out of it. The difference is, though, that I grew into being able to either handle issues for myself or ask for help in a specific way.
I actually use this gut feeling to identify how well outfits are working for me. And that’s really why I dress the way I do. Some days, there’s almost a compulsion to wear a certain piece or kind of outfit, even if it’s not really the most appropriate, which is why I tend to be more “dressed up” than an occasion may call for. Or I’ll take a long time to decide what to wear because I “should” wear something, and shouldn’t wear what I feel like. If I don’t wear the right thing, I feel itchy and uncomfortable all day. Following my feelings is how I’m comfortable.
Clothing is also a source of comfort. When I’m feeling stressed, or anxious, or sad, I turn to my favorite clothes to cheer me up. On the same token, when I can’t be bothered to shower or get dressed, it’s a sign that I’m really feeling down or overwhelmed.
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So that’s my story, or at least part of it. I use clothes to assuage my triggers and anxiety. That’s not the whole story with anxiety, which is a work in progress. Clothes may have created problems, but they’re also part of the solution.